Who rescued who?

I'll apologize upfront for this post... I know this is intended to be a blog about photography; this entry will be far off topic..  but it's my blog..  Bail out here if you want to avoid my blabbering, other wise you're about to get a glimpse of my sensitive side...

I have to share a bit of history...  It's 2003.  My wife and I are pregnant with our first child.  Maria and I had been accompanied for the prior ten years by our cat Aja' who we had adopted at a local animal hospital.  Aja' had been named after the title track for the Steely Dan album titled the same and she was, up to this point, treated like our child and she knew it.

Now, It's been my opinion that when it comes to pets and people, there are people with pets... and then, there are pet people.  The former have some kind of animal around, engage it casually, but never really connect.  The latter invite the furry, scaled or feathered critter into their family as a member; an equal who has emotions and very often a very strong say in how the household is run..  Maria and I pitch our tent in the second camp.  I absorbed the cost of installing central air-conditioning in our house because Aja' was getting on in years and she would be more comfortable.

One evening, while the three of us were watching God Father II, Aja' stood up to turn around in her bed...and then died.  She was a big girl and her heart finally gave out after working overtime for many years.  Grief. Shock.  Depression.  Brokenheartedness.  Intense sorrow.  The combination of these don't come close to explain what we felt.

Up to this point in her pregnancy, Maria had swore she was going to be having a baby boy.  We had a bunch of boys names picked out..but only casually mulled over girls names.  A month later the baby was born, a girl.. I asked the doctor if we could put the baby back in to cook a little more while we figured out what to name her.  No go..

I never really bought in to the idea that Maria, or any woman for that matter, could successfully predict what sex baby they were carrying without the help of a keen-eyed doctor and an ultra-sound machine.  What I did believe, and still do, is that one soul departs our world to make room for another to enter and Aja's death was, in many ways, making room for Gabrielle.  And secretly, I believe Aja' has made some kind of reappearance embodied in Gabrielle.. In fact, they yawn exactly the same..  [shrugs..half jokingly]

So why share all this family tree stuff...?   Well, the combination of a new baby in the house and the void left by Aja's passing created massive confusion and emptiness and one of the many challenges I had to deal with, between diapers, burping and lullaby's (all of which we were quite good at) was the loss of quiet time and communication with Aja'.  You either get this or you don't, so here is your second chance to bail out.  As timing would work out, a dear friend had a wonderful cat named Java Chip, who, after living in the same house along side his niece Whisper, decided that he preferred being the only cat in the house.  He needed a new home.  I needed a furry friend.  The relationship was cemented and Java came home with us (me)...

I couldn't explain it though I was asked many times.. What's with this cat?  You need this now?  Are you nuts?  I didn't have answers I could verbalize, but my heart spoke loud and clear..  Maybe it was equalizing the sexes in the household.  Maybe it was the way animals have a way of calming your heart.  The cuddling?  I don't know and I didn't search for an answer.  We both needed a little bit of rescuing.

Fast forward...  Gabrielle is my joy.  She's brilliant; has a great sense of humor; is cute as a can be and loves to be on both sides of the camera.  Bonus.  But she's my daughter and I'm her dad and you would expect me to feel this way, right?

Gabrielle forged a great relationship with Java.  Oh, there were plenty of moments when a baby and a small animal were like oil and water, but for the most part they got along just fine.  Java would retreat to the loft where Gabrielle, as a small child, wasn't allowed.  They would play together, cuddle and pretty much do all the things I did with my pets when I was young.

My ritual with Java revolved around his daily brushing.  Therapeutic for both of us.  Once the house quiets for the night, I could hear him coming down the spiral stairs from the loft.. his first destination.. my lap.  His biological clock goes off at 6:15 AM religiously.. oddly, exactly when I need to wake up..not sure if that is his design or mine, but the crooning begins.  No traditional alarm clock needed for me.  There is a clear spot on the desk at home that falls right under my left hand..his design or mine.  And photo editing at my home computer involves a Wacom tablet, a keyboard, a mouse and Java.

Anyway, the list of memorable and ritualistic activities is the length of my leg.  Most are good.  Some are not so good (like how he likes to lick a the hot light bulb under the desk lamps shade) but all add up to an experience worthy of celebration.  Our meeting, chance as it was, had absolutely perfect timing and the six years he has been with us went by like lightening.

Java passed away a few days before his birthday this past Saturday.  I am crushed.  Gabrielle and Maria are struggling with it.  As Gabrielle would explain it, he was her older brother.  He seemed to be the picture of health and then out of nowhere he and I ended up in the 24 hour veterinary clinic at 2 AM struggling to get him stabilized.  That never happened.  I had a few days with him as we pondered our next steps and in the end, he made the decision for us.  I was with him and it was one of worst experience I have had...ever. 

The irony of this is that March 1st is the anniversary of my father's death.  March 3rd was Dad's birthday.  Java passed on March 2nd and his birthday was March 6th.  Week one of March will be a tough week for us.

There's no choosing between the immediate "lights out" ending Aja' experienced where there is no forewarning and time to prepare (for either of us), or the slightly drawn out demise Java had, where you convince yourself you have had time to prepare and say your good-byes.  Both leave much to be desired and both are facts of life.  For now I suffer and mourn both of them, but the fresh wound that is left behind with Java's passing still stings like a new-made bite.  But I know Java had a purpose in our home.  We had new traditions, changed some old ones and considered his position in our family in many of our decisions.  I am (insert.. better, sadder, wiser, different) for having had time in this world with him.

Oddly, the single biggest step in figuring out how to deal with his loss came when I spoke to my dear friend Andrea, from whom we had adopted Java.  I waffled for a few days wondering how Andrea would respond to the news but I underestimated her.. She received the news exactly as I hoped to have been able to delivere it..as a celebration for Java and I for having had the chance to rescue each other..  Thank you Andrea.. 

 If you've made it this far, I thank you for reading.  I don't expect that my posting this does any good beyond it's immediate curative value for me...  so, we'll be back to the regularly scheduled programming shortly...